Don’t be under twenty-seven, or over forty-five. Don’t be under five nine. Don’t live in Salford, Longsight, Ancoats, anywhere in Stockport apart from the Heatons. Don’t go to the Printworks, Sinclair’s Oyster Bar, the Northern, the Birdcage, all Deansgate bars except the Moon over the Water or any of the Wetherspoon’s, Yates’s, All Bar One or Scruffy Murphy’s chains. Don’t wear a collar over a jersey. When you text, spell out the words. Don’t lick your lips when you’re talking to me, no matter how much you feel you have to. Don’t try and make me believe that Cafe Rouge constitutes eating out. Don’t try to maintain eye contact but keep moving your eyes down to my chest, then up to my face, then down to my chest, then up to my forehead. Don’t drink if I’m not drinking. Don’t shave three times a day. Don’t get tanked up before…